Psalm in the Night Hour-Canopy of Love

"Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you."

Thank you Father for Your promise.

My desire is to walk under the canopy of Your love. Just as the sky is filled with evidence of another day closing, so my heart is stirred and longs for the surrounding presence of Your comfort and warmth. Tonight I sought forgiveness. I strayed from walking in the fear of the Lord. I stopped relying upon the word of God and His counsel to lead me. I lost faith, trust and confidence in His Sovereignty. Yet tonight, as I reflect upon His majesty and power, I accept His protection and guidance. He has always been faithful to lead me, to cover me, and to keep me under the shadow of His love. My desire propels me to crawl upon His lap so that I am so close I become drenched with His fragrance. He comforts me with His truth and once more I find rest under His canopy of love.

Ps.76.5-"I thought about the former days, the years of long ago I remembered my song in the night." The Lord is softening my heart. My need of His mercy and strength is great. I relinquished my hand from His grip. I pulled away and tested the ground I walked upon. Was it strong enough to hold me? Without His word would there still be a foundation? I started to sink and become consumed and surrounded with the smell of flesh. Every place I turned, all I witnessed was my own hand, my own voice. Return to me, O Lord! Restore Your song in my heart. Renew my ears to hear You once more. The fear of the Lord is the beginning.... not just to Wisdom, but all things . Unlock and remove the callous over my heart that have grown through disappointments and unanswered prayers. In the silence I replaced Your sovereign will with my own plan of destiny. How foolish! To ever step one foot into the unknown without Your peace, how foolish. My heart longed so desperately to be filled with purpose and experience the fulfillment of life and desire. My judgement became foggy, and my sustenance became compromised. No longer did just Your counsel satisfy or lead . I became weary and impatient . Took my life in hand. Now Lord, I return my life to You . I surrender. I repent. I turn. I trust.

Nature's Song

The sounds nature makes is so amazing when you take the time to listen….really listen. Not just jump from one sound to the other, but allow each sound to stand on its own until it floods your senses, and turns into a rhythm that cannot be measured by logic or reason. It’s so incredible when one realizes that creation sings. It has the ability to wrap its world around you, to caress you, until all you feel is its freshness seeping into your very pores and making its way into your heart, your core, your every thought. It consumes us with its beauty and sings to us a song, a unique sound that can never be duplicated. Its melody is never the same. There are no notes that follow any particular progression, yet each sound carries its own signature. The song that it plays in one second will never be the same song again as it constantly changes and adapts to the world around itself. Each movement creates, and creates, and creates, new, fresh, different, unique. There is absolutely no way we can imitate it or create it. We have to surrender to its vastness and know that we are at its mercy and our only quest is to receive every drop it pours out. It creates in us a humility as we realize every moment breathes life, it doesn’t take from us, it only gives. We celebrate its diversity with awe and become filled with wonder at the amazing privilege of hearing the song it sings to our soul. There is something about the constant movement that challenges my thinking, and causes me to wonder why should I expect anything less in my life?

Why do we allow change to be the disruptions in our lives rather than letting it take us to the next musical note that creates in us a song that reflects our environment? To be the musical ensemble that can only be played when we stop trying to hold onto each note. and instead release its sound to fill the air with the melody of our lives. Each note gives testimony as to how we have been fashioned and honed, becoming perfectly tuned in our journey, bending and turning, just as the water streams that we gaze upon. Yet the song only begins when we have yielded to the movement of life. There is much to be learned from nature"s melody. Absorb, breathe in. Do not resist the change and movement of life. Follow the stream and see the example that is set by the beauty and sweet carress of nature. Today is was just listening to the sounds of the water rushing over the rocks, tomorrow it might be the wind in the trees, or maybe the stillness of a vast starry sky. Whatever place we find ourselves in, it is the perfect place to let nature take us away into its embrace; to draw into the depths and heart of its care and create in us a song that has never been sang before.

Kava Bar

Tonight I decided to go and visit the Kava bar for possibly one last time while being in Kona. The vibe here is always pretty laid back, and tonight they had some funky music playing which made it even more easier to just sit back and groove. As I looked around it felt so great to be able to just be at peace, to be content. I am coming through this dark valley that I’ve allowed myself to slip into over the last few weeks. I have decided that there is too much beauty and peace around me to feel in any way that our time here has been wasted. So I am sipping it in, and just as I sit and sip on kava from a coconut shell….I am taking my time. My desire is to be able to soak in every last drop from this experience and have enough of my heart filled from this place to last a life time. Sometimes my focus was too much on what we spent or whether we learned enough, or had profound experiences with God to try in some vain way to justify our time here. But tonight I realized that I had set my sights on ideals that were robbing me of the reality of the present. Why does change or beauty in the simple things get chipped away at as we try to reach some proverbial star in the sky? What is so wrong with just being able to enjoy life? Why does there have to be some profound reason or proof that we have been changed by our experiences? Why is it that if our choices don’t produce some kind of growth we invalidate them? I have looked too hard at the situation here and have tried to weigh my experience with some phenomena which ultimately cannot be measured, because seriously, just what can we measure our life experiences with? Who is to say that it wasn’t enough, or worth it? The only way something is not worth the time given is when the time has not been given to it. If I have invested in each day, in each emotion, in each thought, in each smell and picture, then I am richer in so many ways. I have to continue to take off the glasses of limitations and ideals from which I view life and its worth. Allow my eyes to see freely what is real and here and now, and not the promise or hope of how things should be to block my view. I have had the opportunity to be in a different land, with beauty of its own. I am blessed and privileged to have been given this opportunity. Maybe it will take awhile to build back up our finances, but everything has a price and for me to say in any way that it wasn’t worth it because we didn’t end up with some kind of profound experience that changed our lives drastically, does not in any way discount the fact that I was still able to be here, and the enjoyment of life from here on in is pretty much up to me.

The heart of destiny

My heart is perplexed and searching for the revelation of destiny. The understanding of how the Lord leads His people. The focus and intention of our desires, the moment by moment decision in life that sometimes can weigh so heavy, as the uncertainty of where it leads hovers overhead. My faith needs a drink from the well of God's sovereignty. His strength, His wisdom, His life in me. He says He "rises each morning to show us compassion" He says, "He loves us with an everlasting love" When God sets me upon His wings I can see all things the way He sees it...He takes me upon the heavenlies and I understand that the quandaries of life have no real significance in the restful moments of soaring with Him. Yet eventually I have to unload, I have to position my feet on the ground and take the next step. Things look much different on the ground, than soaring the heights with my King. I have to watch where I walk, I have to be attentive to the signs so I don't lose my way. I have to be able to see the goal or some end in sight or else I might just get caught in a round a bout and never get to the end. Yet walking ignites so many thoughts and decisions that I get weary very quickly. If I was on a path of no question or concern, and just put one foot in front of the next it would be easy....or should I say Lifeless. Yet the Lord has planted my feet so that they can experience the beauty of wonderment. The quest that I am on is one I am uncertain. I find myself pondering about the the important things of life. Asking what do I look forward too? I want my steps to lead somewhere that causes the heart to rise and meet each day with gratefulness and love. If my next step is just a stepping stone to the next, I pray that I won't miss the step or not embrace the step that I am on at the moment.
So the real question is how do I trust that the Lord will lead me in this time? How will I know that the things that I set my hand to do will be the thing that He will breathe upon and bring to fruition? That my steps will be secure in His plans, His thoughts, His love. It's scary to be in this by myself....I need the Lord to strengthen my hands and feeble knees. I need to know that the efforts that I put out to achieve and arrive at some proverbial "finish line" are linked with His efforts as well, that my goals are His goals too...because then no matter what happens there will be success...and a memory of a life well lived. Is it in the heart approach to life? Or is it in the shadows of actions yet to be discovered? Lord, bring forth those thngs that can cause life to make sense right now....allow my faith to be strong so that no matter what the decision, I will be confident that destiny is inspired by You and at the end of my plight it unfolds into the true discovery of Your heart.

Always take the time...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Every now and then I notice an elderly gentlemen sitting outside the library with all his books of learning surrounding him. He looks like an eccentric college professor with his long grey beard and hair...intriguing none the less. So today, I decided I would sit and chat with him for a bit...and found him quite interesting indeed.
He has been visiting the YWAM library since 1973.....never participated in any of YWAM functions, but just loves to come for the atmosphere, and of course, the accessibility of books.
We talked about spiritual things on a level that would take much more time with most people. Yet with him I felt safe, and that I could talk as deep as I wanted and it wouldn't be awkward or out of the ordinary for him. It proved true as we sat and chatted back and forth about the deep things of God..and when we sensed we had said enough, I was thankful that we agreed on how important it is to take time to respond to the moments of life, and not walk pass them.
To obey the inner voice within that leads here or there, without the voice of logic pushing it away. To take time to take time...for in that there is no time....at least not that kind that can control your actions. Hmmm..guess I carried a bit of our discussion away with me that day...and am still somewhat reflective and desire to continue in conversations that can touch the deep places of the soul ....ones that spur on spirit to spirit...one that makes us appreciate the ability to listen as well as be heard...the moments in time when you know you make connections with others that can only be achieved by the spirit within...the Holy Spirit...the one that assists in connecting us all one to another...teaching us how to receive one another and love one another..and be the expression of Christ one to another. I pray that I reflected Christ just as he was a reflection of Christ to me....

The road ahead

Well today I can choose to trust God with the road that I am on or continue to drive myself and remain in the sea of wondering, speculation, and unbelief until I drown myself.

Trusting God is definitely a choice, yet as it turns out, to not trust Him is a miserable, and lonely ride. Without Him to look out for my life, or to give me a sense of security, what do I have? Can I produce hope and certainty of days? No, but I can believe in the one who holds it in His hands, and the most uncertain of days will be secure and purposeful.
What kind of a fool am I to choose to work so hard at keeping myself on the road when all I really have to do is trust that He is directing my turns along the way?
Destination cannot be reached when one is spinning donuts in the parking lot of unbelief.
Peace seems to rise to greet me at the next stop on the road when I choose to let go of my stubborn pride of self direction and yield to the sovereignty of God.
I suppose in some ways I wanted Him to break through my stubbornness, to be stronger than I, to force me to "pull over". Yet I know that the reality of walking out my faith, in truly co partnering with God, takes surrendering and admitting that not only can't I do life on my own but that I need, desire and believe that God is willing and desiring to do "life" with me.
He doesn't come and coerce me off the road, or try and run me over, but He waits for me to come to Him in honesty, in sincerity, in trust, in desire. Willing to bow the knee, and "pullover" and recognize that He is all powerful, all-knowing, omnipresence, and above all else, recognize that He is my Father, and desires to be close to me.
Why do I have to test drive everything? Seems all roads just lead back to the street called "Surrender". Maybe that is what faith is all about. To come to the end of oneself, and admit that to only trust myself or my resources, leads to death, not physical death, but death in hope, death in promise, death in destiny. I can not hold my life in my hands, it is way too heavy. And as much as I don't want to be presumptuous and throw out cliche's of God's plan for my life at every turn, I do want to trust Him. I do want His involvement. Even if it is not what I think it should be or it doesn't turn out how I assumed it would, it shouldn't change my desire to have Him in my life. Its' a journey, a pathway, it's a walk, a run, sometimes a very long run, the "collapse at the end" kinda run, but it doesn't change the course. It doesn't change the destiny. He says, "He broadens the path so that my ankles do not turn". He is broadening the course so that I will not fail. So the only perceivable failure is to choose to not trust, or believe that He really isn't in control or interested.
I have to believe in destiny. I have to believe there is more to the day than just the day, without taking from the day itself. What I mean is there has to be confidence that each day lived out will assist in my tomorrow's making sense. That there is some divine thread that is connecting all my days together to complete a masterpiece. That the road that I am on will somehow show me that I am getting closer to seeing destiny unfold.
Today, I will start driving again, but this time knowing that the road I am on is the road He has chosen, and is intended to be truly lived and enjoyed. As I drive I will be closer to the fulfillment of those dreams, those desires, hope will prevail.

Today, I will put my life in the hands of the One who drives my tomorrows.

Questions...

It's quiet here this morning. By quiet I don't mean no sound, but quiet with activity. There isn't the hustle and bustle of people sounds around today. Actually now that I really listen, nature isn't saying much either. Sometimes the silence is loud though. Sometimes it's nice to have noise that distracts me from the inner turmoil and quest. The endless questions that bombard me, provoke me, taunt me, knowing full well that I can not in one day put them to rest. Questions are crazy things. They reel you in and often leave you dangling, just like a fishing rod, without the "catch of the day". I suppose I could ask another question, "What are questions really for? Why do we have them?" I am actually really thankful that I can see life in a question sometime. It means to me that there is always something more, something deeper, something yet to be discovered. Yet even writing this, I have to ask, "Did I write enough, is there more I want to say?" I guess if I could see questions as part of the conversation of life rather than aggressive words that demand answers, then I would be content with thousands of them. Knowing that their very existence testifies to the pulsating movement of life. It is when we stop asking questions that we have stopped expecting, stopped hoping, stopped believing in change which is the very essence of life. So in the silence of this day, I will allow myself to fall into
the whirlpool of thoughts without answers, and be content.